The Calvin, Hobbes, and Paine Show
by CalvinValjean
Summary: In this postmodern piece of metafiction, many years have passed since Bill Watterson stopped writing the series, yet Calvin and Hobbes is still on the air as a heavily commercialized variety show. This story tells both the story of the show and the story-within-the-story, chronicling the ongoing adventures of Calvin, Hobbes, and a new baby sister named Paine.
1. Chapter 1

**The Calvin, Hobbes, and Paine Show**

Calvin lit his cigarette, waiting for the curtains to part. This was always the hardest part; what happened just before each night's show started. How big was the audience out there, and what were they thinking.

Before he could think too much, the regular fanfare started and Don Pardo's recognizable voice began his usual announcing:

"LIVE! FROM BURBANK, CALIFORNIA! IT'S THE CALVIN, HOBBES, AND PAINE SHOW! STARRING: HOBBES! PAINE! FEATURING CALVIN'S MOM AND DAD! AND NOW, YOUR HOST, THE MAN OF THE HOUR, CALVIN!"

The curtains parted and Calvin took to the stage, happy to see a full house! He greeted the crowd and kicked off that evening's show with his standard monologue before eventually seguing into a _Spaceman Spiff _short. But in the back of his mind, one thought permeated everything else: Christ, he missed the Watterson days.

From 1985-1995, _Calvin and Hobbes _had been Bill Watterson's creation, and they had, in Calvin's estimate, put out their best content. Pretty much all of Calvin's favorite episodes had come from that era. Who could forget such classics as the original Duplicator story, or Calvinball. _Scientific Progress Goes "Boink!" Revenge of the Baby-Sat! Weirdos From Another Planet! _Those had been the years.

But Watterson had left the show after _It's a Magical World _and the new brass at the network wanted to take the show in a new direction. For the next two years it had been _The Calvin and Hobbes Show _and adopted the variety show format it still retained. Then had come the biggest change. As a ratings ploy, Calvin had been given a baby sister named Paine (continuing the philosopher name motif). Paine had been a welcome addition to the cast and Calvin certainly loved his sister dearly, even if she was a "slimy girl." But then the problems had started.

Miss Wormwood, getting up there in years, had left the show. _Fine_, Calvin thought, _they'll_ _just replace her with a new character. Maybe a young teacher who I'll cause more mischief for. _But as it turned out, no new teacher was ever created. Instead, any storylines involving Calvin in the classroom were just discontinued. Principal Spittle stayed with the show though, though it was hard to shoehorn him into any plots when you didn't have a teacher. Another one of Calvin's favorite episodes from the Watterson era had been when he had brought his Stupendous Man costume to school. That had just been classic! In recent years they had tried to redo that episode with Calvin dressing as Stupendous Man in Principal Spittle's office, but to less effect.

What about Rosalyn? Surely her adventures in babysitting Calvin would continue to be one of the show's highlights. Well, not really. Rosalyn was still a regular on the show, but was now married to her formerly-unseen boyfriend Charlie and was raising her baby son Chandler (that's what happens when you're competing for the same timeslot as _Friends_). They had been given their own _Rosalyn & Charlie _subset of stories, which aired along with the _Spaceman Spiff'_s, _Stomp Calvin'_s, and _Calvin's Ancestor'_s. Those bit-stories always played well.

But worst of all had been the celebrity guest-stars, which had been unheard of in the Watterson days. Some weren't so bad. Celine Dion had been a musical guest and fit the vibe of the show, while Claire Danes had become a semi-regular and even appeard in a few classic episodes such as _Time Is But Mine _and _Damn Martians! _In the summer of 1999, when _Blair Witch _had been at the height of its popularity, the brass had pressured them to do a spoof, just like every other comedy show out there. So they had aired _The Claire Witch Project_, in which Calvin, Claire Danes, and stuffed-doll Hobbes had gone out into the woods trying to film a documentary. Still, Claire was a loyal friend of the show and Calvin had a soft spot for her. Stick Stickly had only guest-starred in one episode, but Lord Almighty, what an episode it had been: the birth of Paine!

So those had all worked out. Other guest-stars, however:

Tom Jones had guest-starred in a Christmas themed story. Calvin once again was struggling to act good to impress Santa, and upon learning that Susie Derkins was a Tom Jones fan, introduced him to her. The plot had just been lame. Bart and Lisa Simpson had done a crossover to promote their own show, but Calvin just loathed Bart. Robert DeNiro had blown his lines during his live appearance, and ruined the next sketch. Still, at least that had been an honest mistake. The worst guest-star of all had been David Arquette. Guest-hosting in 1998, when the _Scream _movies were at the peak of their popularity, Arquette had actually tried to take over the show and framed Calvin of being Andrew Cunanan, only months after Gianna Versaci's murder. Fortunately, Calvin had won the show back.

And through it all, _The Calvin, Hobbes, and Paine Show _had endured. Just like that show Bart and Lisa did, it was just too popular to ever get cancelled no matter how mediocre it got.

As the _Spaceman Spiff _piece was coming to an end, Calvin took a heavy drag of his joint. He always mixed a little tobacco with the Marijuana when he rolled up his fillies. Moe had taught him this, along with his brother Joe, another recent addition to the cast. Could Moe ever guess that "Twinkie" would one day be taking his fixes backstage during ever live show? Well, never mind that now. It was time to get on stage for the first original story of the night. It was a piece called _Adventures In Babysitting_, Claire was in it, and he had to be ready. And so, he took to the stage, ready to start.

Calvin, Hobbes, and Paine

in

"Adventures In Babysitting"

It's Friday afternoon, and Calvin is getting off the school bus, running to his house at top speed. It's been an especially long week, and he's only got thought on his mind: a weekend full of cartoons and Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! He runs up the steps, opens the door while beginning to say "I'm home!"-

POW!

Hobbes pounces on him, knocking Calvin about ten feet back and causing a pileup of dirt.

[The audience cheers at this, one of the show's longest running hallmarks. At least this element was retained from the Watterson-era]

"Get off me, you oaf!" Calvin grumbles, shaking the dirt off his familiar shirt.

"Why are you in such a bad mood?" Hobbes asks, "It's Friday! Let's go play some Calvinball until your mom calls us back in."

"Hold on," Calvin says, "It isn't just any Friday. It's a three-day weekend. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeah, we're fresh out of tuna!"

[The audience goes wild at Hobbes's joke-or is it an artificial laugh track? Truth is, Calvin can't always tell the difference]

"No," Calvin says, "We need to have an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.S. C'mon, let's go to my room and get Paine."

Paine is still in her crib, but she lights up when Calvin and Hobbes enter, and she giggles as Hobbes makes his usual funny faces. At least she can see Hobbes in his true form, which is more than Calvin can say for his parents.

It's too dangerous to bring Paine up to their treehouse, so lately G.R.O.S.S. meetings have been held underneath a carboard box, though they have to be careful; when turned upside-down, the box becomes a transmogrifier, and might unintentionally go off on them while inside. Hobbes has repeatedly suggested holding their meetings inside the box when it's turned right-side up, and thus becomes a time machine. Hobbes still gets sick during time travel, but still, an accidental trip to medeival times is preferable to an accidental transformation into a slug.

[Besides, going to the past isn't so bad; they might even run into Melvin and Robs, their ancestors who have been featured in some of the _Calvin's Ancestors _stories from previous episodes]

But no, Calvin insists that box must be upside down for the sake of absolute secrecy. Paine is the first female member of G.R.O.S.S., which necessitated a change in name. Hence, it had ceased being the Get Rid of Slimy girlS club, and instead become the Get Rid of Susie derkinS club.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" Calvin says, "This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. will come to order. Club founder and dictator-for-life Calvin speaking."

"Hear hear!" Hobbes says.

"President Hobbes and Prime Minister Paine are also present and recognized. Tonight's item of business is getting rid of that slimy girl known as Susie Derkins-"

"I have a request," Hobbes says.

"The club recognizes President Hobbes."

"Can we make some folded-newspaper hats?"

"What?"

"It's just not really a meeting of G.R.O.S.S. if we don't wear the folded-newspaper hats."

"Listen, pea-brain, we don't have time for that!"

"I say we put this to a vote. Who else agrees we should spend at least the next fifteen minutes making hats out of folded newspaper?"

Hobbes quickly raises his hand and Paine does the same.

[This gets tremendous laughter, as well as a lot of "Aww's" from the audience]

"Two against one!" Hobbes says.

"Every time you pass a vote, you get Paine to agree with you!" Calvin fumes, "You know she doesn't know what she's voting for! She's just copying you!"

"I'm afraid the motion has already been passed and the meeting is adjourned," Hobbes sticks his tongue out, "Let's go find some newspaper!"

In the middle of going through old newspapers, Calvin comes across an article. He quickly brings it to Hobbes's attention, but Hobbes is already in the middle of creating a masterpiece of a hat.

"Hey, look at this!" Calvin says, "_Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie: The Kablooie Movie _is playing at the multiplex! Think Mom and Dad'll take us see it?"

"Well, your dad would rather commit suicide than ever have anything to do with Hamster Huey again. Your mom maybe, but she's still pretty sore over the noodle incident."

"Man alive, are we still talking about the noodle incident?" Calvin says, "I mean, I know I'm only six years old, but sometimes I feel like we've been talking about that for over twenty years."

"Exactly what did happen?" Hobbes asks, "I mean, you're always saying you were framed, but I'd like to know. What is your official version of the noodle incident?"

"Alright, that's it," Calvin says, "I'm sick of always being asked what the noodle incident was, so I'm just gonna tell you. Here it is, once for all. You see, what happened on the day of the noodle incident was-"

"Calvin! Are you playing with your sister under that carboard box again?" Mom calls from downstairs.

[The audience laughs at this, though there is a bit of a frustrated sigh from them as well. _I can't believe we're still playing up the mystery of the noodle incident_, Calvin thinks, _We've been doing this shtick since 1987 and they still think it's funny! They'll never find out what really happened_]

"Yeah, Mom," Calvin answers.

"You know that's dangerous. Paine's less than a year old and she's still very fragile."

"Hey, Mom! Wanna take us to a movie this weekend?"

"Actually, your father and I were thinking of going out tomorrow night. We're gonna need a babysitter."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The next evening, Mom and Dad are getting ready while Calvin is groveling at their feet.

"Please don't leave me with a babysitter! Please please please please!"

"Maybe your friend Claire Danes can babysit you tonight," Mom says, "Remember that Christmas you stayed with her at the Plaza Hotel? Or what about Celine Dion? She used to come visit here all the time."

"Ugh, I'm dying!" Calvin says, pretending to choke himself. "Can't you see I'm suffering?"

"Suffering builds character," Dad says.

[The _badum tish _sound of two drums and a cymbal accompany Dad's delivery of this punchline. The audience cheers wildly as they do every time Dad says his trademark slogan. Dad has appeared on _The Tonight Show _and hosted _Saturday Night Live_, and both times has had to say his slogan. He's also authored the bestselling book, actually written by his personal assistant, entitled _Still Building Character!_]

Suddenly the doorbell rings. Calvin screams in horror as Mom walks to the front door. Standing there are Rosalyn, her husband Charlie, and their infant son Chandler.

"Hi, Rosalyn," Mom says, "I guess you're able to babysit Calvin tonight after all. But-any reason you brought the whole family?"

"Well, we wanted a night out ourselves," Rosalyn says, "By the way, an advance would definitely be helpful."

"Didn't we pay you an advance last time?"

"Aww, shucks," Charlie says, tugging at his cowboy hat, "It sure is tough raising a baby. I remember the night Rosalyn gave birth and I got so drunk I woke up with a stripper. Remember that, honey?"

"Of course I do. That was the day before our wedding."

[The audience laughs wildly at this, remembering the classic two-part episode where this happened]

Suddenly Calvin comes running back over.

"Alright, look, Rosalyn. You don't like me and I don't like you. But if you take Hobbes, Paine, and me to the movies, we'll make your lives easier."

"Aww, shucks," Charlie says, tugging at his cowboy hat again, "I'd love to the movies."

"Alright, it's a deal," Rosalyn says, "but we're a pretty big group. We're gonna need another advance to cover all the admission."

"But-" Mom begins.

"Mom, pleeeeeease!" Calvin begs.

"Oh, alright," Mom grumbles, forking over more money.

"I told you we should have just gotten a dog," Dad says.

[_Badum tish! _And on that punchline, the curtain closes and the crowd goes wild!]

As soon as the story ended, Calvin took a breath, then quickly ran out on stage.

"This story arc will be continued in a _Rosalyn & Charlie _short that we got coming up for you next. But first, a brief word from our sponsor, _Chewing _magazine!"

The commercial started and Calvin headed backstage to his dressing room. He was gonna need more weed to calm his nerves down. Outside, the show continued.


	2. Chapter 2

The evening's show was almost over, much to Calvin's relief. He was dead-tired, and most of the sketches had played well. And Calvin found himself wondering something he hadn't before: where was Bill Watterson tonight? Somewhere out in the world was the man who had created him, doing Lord knows what? Calvin would have loved to have talked to him, but the man was a recluse.

Out on stage, Calvin could hear the music for the next piece starting, which meant he had better get on stage:

Rosalyn & Charlie

in

"Adventured In Babysitting: Part II"

Rosalyn, Charlie, Chandler, Calvin, Paine, and Hobbes all arrive at the multiplex and get in line to buy tickets for _Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie: The Kablooie Movie_.

"Alright, let's see," Rosalyn says, "Calvin can get in for kiddie prices, so that makes two adults and three kiddies."

"Hey!" Calvin belows, "What about Hobbes? He's no kiddie?"

"Oh, uh," Rosalyn has to think fast, "Tigers get in for free! So long as he sits on your lap the whole movie. The cinema doesn't like getting tiger fur on their chairs."

Calvin gives Hobbes an odd look, and Hobbes sticks his tongue out at him.

Once inside the cinema though, the manager quickly approaches them.

"Sorry, son, but you can't bring your doll into the theatre."

"Man, you guys really discriminate against tigers!" Calvin says, "Was your mother mauled by one when you were a kid or something?"

"Yeah, we like to do that sometimes," Hobbes whispers to Paine, "Sometimes humans smell like tuna, so we get confused."

"Young man," the smug manager goes on, oblivious to this, "It is just our policy! We do not allow any toys, puppets, or dolls inside our screening rooms."

"Well, you're allowing him into the screening room," Calvin says, pointing at Charlie, "And his head's just as hollow as a puppet's."

"Aww, shucks," Charlie says, tugging at his cowboy hat.

[The laugh track goes off at this]

"Sorry, young man," the manager says, "But you'll just have to leave your tiger outside. Don't worry, you can retrieve him after the movie ends. I'll keep him in a box under the concession stand."

"Uh oh. I hope you don't keep any tuna there or it'll all be gone in about five minutes."

The manager takes Hobbes away and the group enters the screening room. Once inside, the movie starts. While Calvin, Paine, and Chandler all enjoy the movie and even perform the hamster hop, Rosalyn is bored out of her mind. After a few minutes, she pulls Charlie away (though Charlie seems to be enjoying the movie even more than the kids). The two of them sneak off to the dark corner of the screening room and start making out.

"Baby doll, I love you so much!" Rosalyn says.

"Same here, Roz," Charlie smiles, tugging at his cowboy hat, and the two begin to make out. They make out harder and harder until-

RIP!

The back of Rosalyn's pants have ripped open!

"Goddamn!" Rosalyn yells loudly, and soon all the little kids in the theatre have turned around and are looking at her. Rosalyn quickly grabs Charlie's cowboy hat and uses it to cover her butt.

After the movie ends, our group quickly exits the screening room. Rosalyn is still bright red with embarrassment, and covering her butt with Charlie's cowboy hat.

"Well, that was an experience I never thought I'd have," says Charlie. They walk up to the concession stand and retrieve Hobbes.

"Man, Hobbes," Calvin says, "You missed a great movie! It definitely deserves at least eighteen Oscars!"

"Eh, that's okay," Hobbes says, "I hopped around the cinema while they weren't looking. I got to watch _XXX Vixens From Outer Space_. There were some nice babes in there!"

"Hey," the girl at the concession stand says, "That's odd! We're suddenly completely out of liquid butter!"

Calvin looks at Hobbes, who burps rather guiltily.

"Calvin!" a familiar voice says. Everyone looks to see Claire Danes walk over. "What's up, buddy? I haven't seen you since our Christmas adventure! Man, Paine's getting big! And who's your friend with a cowboy hat over her butt?"

"Oh, I'm Rosalyn, uh-" Rosalyn quickly thinks of something to say, "Listen, since you know Calvin and Paine so well, why don't you take them home? I, kinda need to get home right away."

"Hey, babe, are you sure you that's a good idea?" Charlie says, "I mean, these kids are your responsibility and here you are trusting them with a complete stranger."

"Oh, she's not a complete stranger. I used to watch her all the time on _The Facts of Life_."

"You mean _My So-Called Life._"

"Close enough. Well, so long!" Rosalyn says and quickly runs off with Charlie.

That night, Rosalyn and Charlie are getting ready for bed.

"Well, that was one crisis averted," Rosalyn says, "At least we survived the movie. And that little troll!"

"Yeah, babe," Charlie says, "You were awesome!"

They both get in bed and begin to cuddle when suddenly the phone rings. Rosalyn picks it up.

"Hello?"

"Rosalyn?" Calvin's Mom says, sound concerned, "Are you there? Calvin and Paine never made it home."

Rosalyn's heart sinks as she turns to Charlie in horror.

[The audience gasps at this ending as **To Be Continued...** comes up on screen]

As soon as the show was over, Calvin came on stage one final time and bid the audience goodnight, as well as asked them to stay tuned for _Conan_. Calvin had no idea how this story arc would end, and he suspected the writers didn't either. But they would figure it out for next week's episode. Now it was time to go home and get some rest.

On the ride home through Burbank, Calvin passed various billboards for _The Calvin, Hobbes, and Paine Show_. No matter what the quality may be, the show's popularity certainly had never been higher. _Screw it_, Calvin thought, _when I get home, I'm gonna take an Advil, jump in the shower, and lie down. Pretty boring night, but that's just what I need. A quiet night in._

When he got home, he saw the light on his answering machine blinking. Not really paying attention, he pressed the button and heard a voice say: "Hi, Calvin. This is Bill Watterson-"

And just like that, Calvin's heart froze and he realized his entire night was about to be turned upside down.


End file.
